This post is part of a series looking back on my experiences in navigating a life-changing ADHD diagnosis while also trying to prepare for my first solo marathon swim, and how these two things collided together in the most perfect way.
I’ve chosen to share my story openly so that it might help others who also dream of accomplishing big scary goals but feel held back by challenges they face in their own lives, no matter what those might be. I also hope my writing creates discussion, understanding, acceptance and inclusion for those that seek it.
This is a deeply personal journey. You're invited to engage in positive and productive discourse with me if you'd like, always happy to chat, but negative judgement isn't welcome here. Kindly move along if these posts – and me – are not for you!
In the moment, but also sinking into an elsewhere space
I stepped out into the water, and soon after lost myself entirely in the darkness of night and weightlessness of the water around me. My mind was intently focused on the rhythm of my hand moving under my body and the very moment my head turned to breathe, lingering on the feeling of water spilling gently over my shoulders and moving down on to my back. At each breath to the right of me, my eyes caught an imprint of the moonlight across the water, the outline of crew on the boat, the edge of the mountains behind them.
It was intense but calming, soothing, fluid, like moving meditation.
I was fully there in the moment, but elsewhere in the world at the same time.
I spotted a green glow raised up, my crew lead was waggling a feed bottle with a glow stick attached to it in the air for me to see, the signal that it was feeding time. I saw the green glow drop overboard, and found it bobbing in the dark water. I titled upright, drank my feed.
I could hear Phil over the side of the boat:
You're at the Canadian border...
I was sure I'd misheard him:
What?! Really?
They both gestured towards the shoreline:
Yep, there's the light right over there.
I had been counting feeds and knew we were making really good time:
I'm going to slow down a little just in case, not sure how much to keep in the tank.
I put my head back down and smiled widely into the dark water below my body, a surge of emotion spilling over. It felt like we'd just left the shoreline but we were well on our way up the lake. It was exactly as I had hoped it would be; I felt calm, relaxed, focused, and time seemed to be flying by. I started to swim again and brought my attention back to the rhythm of my body's movements and the feeling of water, the darkness, the moonlight.
And then I found my centre again and sank down even deeper into that elsewhere place.
When a swim is more than just movement forward
I live in my head a lot, I always have, so I didn't really talk to anyone much about some of the more personal sides of this journey until The Search was long over. I wrote about my various health diagnoses in my first two posts in this series and how better managing that part of my life helped me prepare, but coming to accept, respect and love who I am also played a really big part in what I felt and how deep my focus went during the swim itself.
Yes I was definitely pleased that my training was going well and that my confidence was strengthened, and yes I wanted very much to get across the lake and land on the other side. But The Search represented something bigger, I worked hard to let go of heavy shit and figure out who I was. I decided early on that the swim would be an exploration - and hopefully confirmation - of the things I'd been working on, what I was capable of achieving when there was nothing left holding me back. I had nothing to prove to anyone else when I stepped into the water that night, but so many things I wanted to show me about myself.
And let me tell you, I was testing out some pretty neat stuff...
Theories about how deep my self-awareness is in how my body moves through water.
Theories about how well swimming long distances clears my head of chaos and noise.
Theories about where I can take my mind when I'm entirely focused on the moment.
Theories about flow, but at the time I didn't know it had a name.
I first learned about flow state in the weeks leading up to The Search, I came across an article on flow and it sounded an awful lot like what I'd been experiencing in my swimming for years, I just didn't know it had a name and I'd been exploring it by instinct alone. When I'm swimming, especially when it's a longer swim, I can get really into "the zone", and deeply, to the point where I'm very focused on my movements but also quietly floating in some other place, time seems to shift, and everything just seems to connect. I can get there on a long pool swim, but it's a far richer and more intense experience in open water.
Sounds a little weird, right? It's fucking epic, trust me.
If you've ever experienced it, you're probably smiling right now.
And if you haven't, pay attention because it could take you places in your swimming.
Here's the thing to understand: flow is a psychological state, but the experience of it can directly impact your physical performance. Complete immersion and sharp narrowed focus on the task at hand helps outside distractions fall away from your view, even though you're working hard your actions and awareness merge into a feeling of effortlessness, time feels different, it slips by really quickly. You feel invincible, and more able to give yourself fully to meeting the challenge at hand. Hard to explain, but you definitely know when it happens.
I was lucky on the night of The Search, the wind was low and the water calm. But I've found flow in the roughest of waters during my training too, especially in headwinds, it's like my mind locks on to the challenge of waves, pulls in my skills and tells my body what to do, and then goes into automatic hyperdrive until it's done. The Willoughby 25km was especially bumpy, and I flowed the heck out of that swim. To clarify, I flowed the heck out of the 2 headwind laps of the lake, not the tailwind lap, that was pure misery, I hate tailwind with every fibre of my being and it can knock me out of flow real fast...but I'm working on that! Point is, flow sits in your mental state first and foremost, and not with the luck of calm waters.
As someone who has dealt with anxiety and undiagnosed ADHD symptoms pretty much as far back as I can remember, being able to experience flow and find calm and focus in my head is a very precious thing to me. I was in flow for at least 10-11 hours during The Search, the darkest hours were the most intense. It's hard to describe how deep and fulfilling the experience felt, imagine floating along in a state of complete quiet and peace.
A few months after the swim, I was finally able to articulate all this and explained it to my husband. Oh yeah, he paused thoughtfully, I know flow, it's totally a thing in computer programming. Apparently the very intense focus and necessarily creative act of developing code can get a programmer really into "the zone" too. We've known each other for 20 years, but we never knew we had this thing in common. Life is funny like that sometimes.
How I developed and deepened my ability to flow in swimming
I'm not an expert, I'm still learning about the theory of flow so I can best describe exactly what I did to develop my skills in this, but I'll tell you what I've figured out so far. See the end of this post for references on the psychology of flow - Mihály Csíkszentmihályi (father of flow theory) and Steven Kotler are key figures, and hey there's even a link to a piece written by beloved marathon swimmer Laurie Craigen!
You can't force yourself to experience flow state, there aren't a series of prescribed steps you can follow to be sure it will happens for you, it just doesn't work that way. But there are certain things that need to be in place in your mindset and habits before it can happen, and there are also triggers you can use to explore and deepen your experience when it does.
Laying the foundation is the first piece, things that need to first be in place (antecedents) in order to find flow in your activity. Here are the basics, the things that helped build up my way of thinking and being over time that helped me find flow:
1 - Challenge-skill ratio:
The goal you're setting should be something you're well suited for, but just enough out of reach that you need to work really hard to achieve it. This helps create drive, and drive helps fuel and narrow your focus on the things that will help you achieve that goal. The Search was something I felt deep down I was capable of doing, but I needed to work really hard on my body and mindset to get me to the start. I put value on the journey more than the finish. Yes of course I wanted to succeed, but that wasn't the part that was really driving my training, it was the intrinsic goal of finally seeing a stronger me take on this challenge with passion and curiosity, with confidence and bravery. And fulfill my love of the water, and of this lake.
2 - Commitment to embrace risk and to develop the skills to thrive in it:
Your goal should present some element of risk so that it's worth fighting for and focusing on, and the risk could be any combination of emotional, physical, social, internal/external, etc. The willingness to take risks and work hard to meet whatever challenges they present is key to developing confidence, drive, focus. I had no way to be sure I would finish The Search, and marathon swimming always has risks in and out of your control, but I wanted desperately to try. And so no matter what, I was showing up and getting in that water. I developed a fear list as part of my training, and found ways to train my fears and be more willing to work with risk and embrace the unknown. Epic work, an adventure.
3 - Growth mindset and accurate appraisal of skills:
As is true in life, the willingness to receive feedback and information about yourself with an open heart and mind is key to true growth and development. But you have to first believe, and I mean really believe, that you are a capable person and worthy of development. In my first two posts in this series, I talked about the year or so leading up to The Search, coming to accept and embrace parts of me that needed a little healing gave me tremendous power in the water. Being open to feedback and assessing information about my skills, positive or negative, helped me know myself more intimately. The feedback doesn't just have to be about swimming, it should be about a lot of other, deeper things too, the things that move you, push you, drive you, scare you. I spent a lot of time working on myself, and taking in feedback from my own observations but also from others I entrusted to support my journey. The more I learned about myself, the more empowered and prepared I felt, and the easier it was for me to tap into those different skills and manage any issues on the swim itself.
4 - Time x behaviour:
Consistently doing hard things over a long period not only helps build skills, it also builds trust in yourself and being comfortable in meeting challenges or risks that might come up. More confidence = ease at which you deal with and overcome challenges, and focus on what's needed instead of becoming distractions. I did need some help in this area, the anxiety and ADHD side of things made developing good training habits tricky, but once I found ways to adapt it to the way I'm built, things fell into place nicely. I purposefully sought out the worst weather, waves, wind, cold, I swam so long as it was safe. I forced myself to do things even when I didn't really want to, to strengthen my resolve. I pushed my fatigue to see what it felt like to be under pressure when tired. And on the swim itself I was able to make pretty good decisions about my body and mind, to manage issues as they came up.
So that's the foundation. Once I was able to recognize flow was happening in my swimming, I wanted to really work it and I spent time on my longer training swims and events figuring out what triggers help bring it on and deepen the experience once it starts. This here is the really fun stuff, the magic that happens in the moment:
5 - Foster your concentration skills
I can't meditate, I've tried, my ADHD busy brain can't slow down and just be still, never gonna happen. But there are a few things I practiced in my training that helped me find a calmer mindset, which later made it possible for tap into flow once the swim got started:
Rhythm of body movement and pace work: I work with my coach on Swim Mastery technique principles, which involves visual imagery for getting into the right body positions and the synchronization of key movements. I also did a lot of pace work in the pool, learning how to use various levels of effort and speed intuitively. Both of these things contributed to a strong ability to concentrate on how I move my body, my body creates rhythm, rhythm creates pattern, pattern contributes to focus. I was able to pull these things into the swim itself as a way of calming my mind, there was a lot of thinking and tuning into what it felt like to move myself through the water.
Visualization: the afternoon before the swim started, I mapped out the weather conditions along the route (see pics below) and visualized my swim over and over, starting at the bottom of the lake, thinking through what it would feel like hour by hour, when the wind would likely pick up or die down, when the sun would be hottest, when I would likely get tired and what I would do to keep focus, what I would see along the way at different points. None of it really played out that way, cause you know Vermont weather, but the exercise helped to calm and centre me.
Clear space for calm: I decided that all my personal prep had to be done on the afternoon of the swim by 3pm, so I got my gear ready, called loved ones, started a whatsapp chat for friends, etc. At 3pm, off to my room I went. I didn't actually sleep before the swim, but I used the time well. I did deep breathing exercises, more visualization, gratitude stuff. I pulled out a worry stone to use during the deep breathing, not because I was worried but I find the tactile sensation of rubbing my thumb in the worry groove really calming. I put down my phone for the most part, I texted here and there with friends, but there was no pressure for me to engage.
6 - Deep embodiment = bring in as much sensory input as you can
Complete sensory immersion can create a profound sense of flow, as your mind takes in different types of immediate information, requiring it to process and to focus. The more sensory stuff you can pull into the experience, the better. I did tons of work in my training on focusing attention to my body's movements and sensations, and physical feedback from the water and act of swimming itself. I spent most of The Search working these elements:
Bring attention to something that creates calm: the best one for me is listening to the sound the exhale of my breath makes under water, and I breath out from my nose, which helps to slow my heart rate and calm anxiety. The deep inhale of air into my lungs or the feeling of water moving over my shoulders and down my back are other good ones too. I'm actively engaging my mind to think and process sensory input lots, but that actually promotes concentration, followed by sharper focus.
Bring attention to something that creates rhythm: there are a couple of movements in swimming that are easy for me to focus on and create rhythm with. I especially like the moment when my hand moves under my body as I turn to breathe, and the easy feeling of rotation into streamline that comes with this synchronization. Bringing my attention there is like creating a metronome with my own body, roll, roll, roll. And I internalize rhythm easily, so the sensory input from my body's movements became a constant source of information to concentrate on. I find this one especially effective in both calm and rough water, I find it helps me move through chop really well.
Grounding: lightly dragging my thumb along the surface of the water helps ground me, anchoring me in the present moment by bumping up the sensory input a little more. I bring it in here and there, for a few minutes, helps check arm position too.
Darkness: I started my Search at midnight, the darkness was lit up by a three quarter moon, it was epically beautiful. Nothing brings on flow faster for me than darkness, all that sensory input is heightened, maybe it's the adrenaline. But that feeling lasted all night, into dawn and well into daylight. Embrace the dark my friends, it's the perfect place to go inward and explore how far into focus and flow you can get.
7 - Autonomy and creativity
This last one was big for me, part of the work I did to address my ADHD and all that other stuff I talked about in my previous posts in this series was to really look at who I was and what I needed, and find things built for me. I talked to a number of swimmers, sought guidance, considered input. But in the end, part of embracing risks on this swim was going down my own path on a number of things, being willing to test my own ways of doing stuff, to see if I really understood myself as well as I thought. I had vision about how I wanted things to go and what I wanted to learn, and I'm proud of getting myself to a place where I was willing to own the experience fully.
Sure, it could have all failed miserably, and I did face critique at times, but I trusted myself and my training fully and was willing to take the risk. Epic journey indeed.
Here's the "toolbox" of things I came up with to keep my mind focused in the latter half of the swim, when I suspected fatigue might set in. The crew gave me some of these to do, I ran some of them through my head on my own as well.
Vulnerability
I'm an emotional swimmer, I hope I always will be.
The act of swimming makes my heart shine, and builds a beautiful community.
The act of swimming fuels my confidence, and helps me better understand myself.
The act of swimming helps my focus, and calms my head when things get heavy.
The act of swimming helps my health, body and mind.
A fellow swim friend said something to me a few months after The Search was over, something beautiful that has stayed with me ever since. To paraphrase her words...
We're vulnerable when we swim. We're vulnerable at the start, we're vulnerable in the water, and we're still vulnerable after it's done and over.
A big accomplishment like this doesn't end when you walk up on the beach at the finish, especially if it's been a deep, soul search of journey to get to the start in the first place. Your flow focus will widen towards the finish, the realization of what you've just accomplished will settle in and probably move you in new ways. It's normal to feel vulnerable coming out of flow, that's part of the beauty of it. Celebrate the win, seek out peaceful safe space and good vibes to rest and recover in.
Books
Running Flow [this one carries over to swimming well imo]
Links
Comments